Christina

Sexploitation week continues at the Hell-A-Go-Go!

If exploitation trades in sleaziness via horrific acts of violence perpetrated against its characters; sexploitation is the same, albeit replacing horrific acts of violence with copious amounts of boobies. The horror of it all! The normally omnipresent sleaziness of exploitation is ramped up. Less voyeurism and more exhibitionism; sexploitation is the attention whore of the exploitation sub-mode.

B-movie starlet Jewel Shepard first appeared on my radar with the seminal genre film Return of the Living Dead. Admittedly, as fun as she is in that film, Shepard is largely upstaged by veteran scream queen Linnea Quigley and her famous graveyard dance. Since that movie, Shepard has gone on to star in Hollywood Hot Tubs, Party Camp, Raw Force, and Caged Heat II: Stripped of Freedom (possibly the greatest sub-title to a crappy movie ever). Winners all, I assure you. As great as Shepard's B-movie resume is, one of her earliest movies is still the magnum opus of her career, the little-seen cult movie: Christina.

I know, after Stripped for Freedom, the title to the supposed opus is a little bit of a let down but trust me, this film is so worth viewing. Just to illustrate, I'm going to let the film speak for itself; I'll present the plot as objectively as I can. Christina opens with the death of disco: funky dance music (1983, yeah!) playing in a day-glo club while our titular heroine dances with every guy in the joint (credit-sequence nudity, a mark of quality). What follows is a quick montage in the form of a newsreel establishing Christina as an heiress to a large fortune who spends her days cavorting with men and spending extravagantly. She also proceeds to flash the camera. I'm not exaggerating when I say the longest stretch in this movie with Shepard fully clothed is about eight minutes.



I digress; the plot kicks into high gear after our introductory montage: Christina engages in a high-speed Ferrari chase with a man before bedding him; in his castle she is attacked by a ninja assassin later revealed to be a member of a lesbian kung-fu order that fears Christina's sexually promiscuous ways are detrimental to all women; is later kidnapped by same ninja sect who then proceed to fight one another in hilariously inept fight sequences to win the honor of sleeping with Christina; softcore, male-fantasy lesbian sex; a daring escape from the militant lesbian ninja compound where Christina is then captured by slavers; Same slavers are revealed to be trained as respectable French chefs who cook Christina and her friends a delicious meal; Christina then beds several of them, escapes, and ends the movie where it began: in a disco surrounded by men. Empowering gender themes to be sure.

Whew. This movie is off-the-hook motherfucking amazing!



Christina one of the greatest sexploitation movies ever made. It's got a crazy, energetic, everything-but-the-kitchen-sink type of plot that does a great job of keeping scenes from becoming too redundant and boring. Most importantly though, Christina maintains a perfect tonal balance between comedy and sleaziness. Instead of insipid sight gags, the humor in the film is mostly found in the dialogue, double entendres and dry witticisms; a rarity for sexploitation films. The protagonist is not only likable and capable, but she's funny.

Jewel Shepard is a fantastic B-movie actress. She's to sexpot movies what Schwarzenegger is to action films: the key to their success is a knowing, wry sense of humor regarding the types of films that have filled out their respective niches. Shepard knows how to play a sexploitation movie; knows the tropes of these films, what's expected, and is even able to provide real charm via her performance. A charming sexploitation actress. I can't believe I wrote those words. Shepard is a real actress, and at times, better than the movie as a whole deserves.



A better sexploitation movie does not exist. Christina is the apex. The key to this success is Jewel Sheapard: she's in on the joke and the movie is better for it.

**** out of ****